I don’t mean to sound big-headed when I say my kids adore me. I know they love their mummy very much. They always turn to me for a cuddle when they need to be comforted, my toddler demands I come along to all fun trips out and apparently says she misses me when I pop upstairs to do some chores.

That being said, they also have heightened my suspicions over the last two years that maybe they want to finish me off. Is this some kind of game of wits we are playing, does this make them chuckle late at night when they think of all the ways they have almost done me in at last? It sounds like I’m being paranoid but let me fill you in on the evidence I’m living with tiny assassins:

A childhood favourite for years, everyone loves getting creative with Lego. There’s so much choice these days now too and I thoroughly appreciate how much Lego keeps my children entertained while I take a break. However, they make a mess, no matter how hard I try to contain the bricks in one corner of the lounge or nursery they end up strewn in every possible corner. It is then inevitable each time the bricks come out I will eventually stand on one. If you’re a parent chances are you have done this and know the agony accompanied by a four-letter outburst that follows. The pain is so bad it often causes me to lurch over. So far I’ve managed to catch myself before I smack into the corner of the coffee table. Why does it hurt so bloody much? They’re like the home equivalent of the sea urchin at the beach, lying in wait to launch a silent ambush when you’re just starting to relax. Lego has even released a pair of anti-brick slippers to protect your feet. I know what’s on my Christmas list.

Play mat

This extra large play mat has been amazing. It’s big enough to fit both kids on and Bubba Two is getting really mobile now but this gives her plenty of space to roam around. However, part of its sensory features is a small pocket of crinkly material that provides the perfect spot to catch your foot on and go flying forwards. If I ever see this mat suddenly moved by someone else to the top of the stairs I will know I’m in trouble.

Loud bangs
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve nearly jumped out of my skin when my toddler suddenly decides to show her appreciation for her toys by banging the f*** out of them against the table. I swear if two pregnancies haven’t aged me 10 years then the number of times by heart’s nearly stopped from shock has done the trick. I would also like to add random loud screaming to this. My toddler particularly likes to do this when I’m lying on the sofa with my eyes closed. Hilarious.

Suddenly stopping dead in front of me
My toddler is just the right height and weight now to be a lethal trip hazard. Why does she feel the need just plant herself right in my path out of nowhere. One second she’s running ahead, the next she’s like a statue and I’m having to skid to a halt to avert disaster.

Making me squeeze into every tight space at the playground and soft play
If toddlers had anything to do with it a session at soft play would end with every parent contorted in an awkward spot where their child decided to demand help and the adult ended up trapped. I remember the day my toddler decided to crawl through a tunnel at the playground leading to a pretty scarily high tower. Once at the top she decided she couldn’t get back down. Cue embarrassment for me as I huffed and puffed my way through the tunnel while flashing my bum crack to the kids behind me. Once I reached her I then had to awkwardly navigate the route back while cradling a distraught toddler.

Shrieking and kicking my seat while I’m attempting to drive
No matter how many times I attempt to explain the importance of concentration while driving my toddler still insists on demanding snacks, drinks and generally attempting to make me lose my s***. This makes me miss the days when she would nod off within two minutes of starting the engine.

Sticking their mucky hands in goodness knows what at the playground/soft play/nursery then jamming them in my mouth
Me and hubby have never had so many colds and bouts of illness as we did during our toddler’s first year of nursery. As one runny nose left, another began. Then there was hand, foot and mouth disease. That was fun. On the one hand I encourage our eldest daughter exposing herself to germs. I think living in a bubble would leave her susceptible to every bug going in the long run, but why does she insist on sharing her spit with me? I am not squeamish. I’ve been peed on, fished poo out the bath and been in the wrong place at the wrong time during a projectile vomit. However I would prefer to not suffer from an endless stream of bugs and diseases particularly with two little people keeping me on my toes 24/7.

Keeping me up all night
It is scientifically proven that lack of sleep is as bad for your health as smoking. The list of potential issues is scary; high blood pressure, higher risk of heart disease and diabetes, a lower sex drive, weight gain, mental health issues and a weakened immune system. So with a problem this serious and life threatening facing me you can imagine my frustration when I’m kept awake while arguing with my toddler about whether there’s a bee in her room.

Do you suspect you have a tiny assassin in your house? I’d love to hear your thoughts.


Cuddle Fairy