It takes just 10 minutes some days. It’s funny how much your emotions can change in such a short space of time.
Just 10 minutes for me to start clock watching, to think about now I can make the time between now and bedtime pass that little bit quicker.
It’s when my two children have come back from nursery that I feel the worst about thinking this way. When I’ve had a whole day away from them and was genuinely looking forward to seeing them again.
But they’re toddlers. So they steamroll through the living room flinging things around in their wake. One of them demands a drink, the other shouts for a snack. Both start crying when it doesn’t happen quickly enough.
Then tea needs to be cooked, but both want me playing with them outside, then my eldest asks to be put on the toilet just as my youngest has filled her nappy.
One pushes the other one over and the crying, screaming for mummy and growling (yes, they growl at each other) begins.
And I snap and wish the house was peaceful again. I long for my own personal space, to be able to get the housework done that needs sorting out.
I’m fed up of looking after them already. I wanted to see them, but I had preconceived ideas of how they would behave. When they charge in and act utterly feral, I sigh and wish I had left them at nursery a little longer.
Of course I love them, and I try to cherish my time with them as much as you can with two toddlers. But they make it so damn hard to feel #blessed all of the time.
The fact is I will miss these years when they are gone, but while I’m in the thick of them I am not the mother that I want to be.
If I could change my feelings and emotions through sheer willpower alone I know I would be a better mum.
I wish was a patient mum. Sometimes I am, but there are many times I’m not.
I wish I was a more energetic mum.
I wish I was a mum who had more fun.
I wish I was a chilled out mum.
I wish I was a funny mum.
I wish I was a less selfish mum.
I wish I was a more spontaneous mum.
I wish I was a less stressed out mum.
I wish I was a perfect mum. Because that’s what I think my kids deserve.
But I’m not and I know of course that the perfect mum doesn’t exist.
I think this is a bit of a phase for me at the moment. Both children are being very clingy, my eldest goes from 0-100 with her moods these days and I’m still reeling from losing my full-time job.
I would like to finish this post on a positive note, but I feel terrible for having admitted to being so utterly fed up with motherhood.
And yet if I can find one positive in all of this, I suppose it would be this. If you, fellow mama, are feeling this way too at the moment, then you’re not alone.
We’ll survive the trying early years one day at a time, and when it’s finally time for us to sit down at the end of a long, long day (or even just a long couple of hours) we will breath a sigh of relief at the sound of silence. Let’s try not to feel guilty about that. Because none of us are perfect.